Adderall

So i took 5mg of Adderall today. i have to say i'm not crazy about the idea. However, I do like the idea of getting off the Wellbutrin that stays in your system longer, has more side effects, and more intense effects on your brain function. I like the idea of taking something that is GONE from your system within 12 hours max.

Anyway, i don't feel anything, really. I was watching the clock waiting for it to kick in, expecting to feel... something.

While i was sitting there, reading this and that on the internet, my eye fell on the bag of light bulbs i bought days ago. There were 8 burned out light bulbs in my tiny 2BR apartment.

Anyway, i saw the bag, got up, started replacing bulbs, and before I knew it, I was done. no "Oh, i should..." no "just one more cup of coffee" no "let me check my email one more time" no "i'm too tired to get out the ladder". I did them. And i didn't even stop in the middle. I did them ALL. and I didn't even try.



(i did leave the ladder in the middle of the room, though.)

the dreaded inbox

My husband is hyper-organized. When we worked together in the computer realm, and had a file server, i had to follow his system, because he would lose his mind if i left files lying around.

since my stuff is now on my computer, of course it's completely out of hand. I'm working on it, though. I just sorted 247 email messages from my inbox into individual folders. That brings me up to September 21, 2005.

Only 1,831 to go.

frustration

went to a new doctor today. told him the wellbutrin wasn't doing what it used to. said i was having trouble keeping track of things again, and he kind of sighed and handed over some samples of strattera and a prescription for more. I suggested maybe we TALK for a minute and he said "try the medicine and come back in two weeks."

no thanks.

called another doctor and have a new appointment next thursday.

Ok. I remembered.

I remembered what I was going to say.

the other day i was going to get something, but i couldn't remember what it was. while standing in the middle of the room, trying to remember, i started to think of all of the things I forgot to do or had yet to do; thoughts going through my head so fast that i was frozen. i couldn't move. my eyelids started getting heavy. i went to lean on the counter and realized that I was suddenly exhaused, though my heart was pounding and i felt a little dizzy.

I stopped and I took a look at what was going on, felt the words zinging through my head (and the guilt of all of the things left undone) and I said to myself - ok, i need to give my brain something to focus on."

i picked up some knitting, started counting the stitches as i knit them, and within 5 or 10 minutes i felt WORLDS better. This is the first time i was able to end that guilty-panicky feeling without a nap or an inappropriate catharsis.

Posting

I came here because I had some incredible revelation I needed to share. But after logging in and deleting those dummy links the template put in the side bar, I can't remember what it was.

Bedtime Nightmares

One of the hardest things I have to do on a daily basis is help my child fall asleep. She likes me to kneel by her bed with my hand on her back and just WAIT until she sleeps. The problem is that this generally takes an hour or two. I start setting so twitchy and panicky that I have to fight very very hard with myself not to feel enraged.

It's exhausting, coming out of that room after all of that time, after having kept such a tight grip on myself for such a long time. I wish I knew what to do to make it easier.

housecleaning

i'm brushing my teeth and i notice that there's toothpaste in the sink. so i wash it out by splashing a little water in the sink and rubbing at the toothpaste with my finger while cursing my husband who can never manage to clean up after himself. then i notice that the faucet is spotty, so i grab the cleanser and spray it. i pull everything off the sink and put it on the trashcan that is next to the sink. it's one of those big step-on kinds that used to be a diaper pail but now it's the laundry bin for wet stuff like these cloth "paper" towels we use. I keep them in the kitchen, and when i go there to get one to finish washing the sink, i notice that the stove is filthy. So i put the cloth i have in my hand over the back of the chair, notice that there are already 4 more on the chair, one falls to the floor when i put the clean on there, and i leave it on the floor, thinking "i'll put that in the can in the bathroom when i go back in there" and i take all of the burners and put them in the sink. i go to the bathroom to get the cleanser, and see the trashcan, remember that i wanted to throw the towel in it, go back for it, can't remember what i was there for, remember something about a towel, i go to get a clean one from the cabint, and see that the sippy cups are all jumbled. so i take them all out, put them on the the counter, see the burners in the sink and go to put them back on the stove, remember that i didn't clean the stove yet, go back to the bathroom to get the cleanser, notice that the bathroom sink is still running, turn it off, dry my hands on the towel i've been carrying around, grab the cleanser, go back to the kitchen, notice that I have a new email, put the cleanser and the towel on the floor next to my chair, read the email from martha, remember that I was supposed to look up the name of that book for her, go to amazon to look it up, see an ad for kid's videos, google "Italian language children's videos", open the next 14 links in new tabs, the first link is for ebay, see that there is a waiting message, see that i forgot to bid on that yarn i'd been watching, and spend the next 2 hours searching and researching bulky punchcard knitting machines.